welcome to Crazyland, first stop Awkwardtown

When I was little I wanted to be a waitress. Ok, not really little - when I was really little I wanted to be a mermaid - which is a fulltime job I hear and no easy one what with having shells constantly strapped to your boobs and losing your voice to the local seawitch (not to mention being ginger *shudders*). What Ariel would have given for a cotton bra and some hairdye. Well, that and a voice. So long as she has a prince I suppose...after all thats all us women need to complete us...a man.

I mean this to be some kind of an introduction, but, as anyone who has met me IRL can testify, I am the queen of awkward introductions - normally littered with godawful jokes and badly informed political views that lean so far left its a wonder they don't fall over (ha.ha :/). On meeting me, most people are too scarred from the experience of being covered in verbal diarrhea (containing last nights uneeded 'hilarious' personal anecdotes) that it takes several days - and many terrifying nightmares of bumping into me in public - to wash it all off.

I am also the queen of unpleasant metaphors. 

Only joking, monarchy is stupid. Lets make it the elected PM of all that is unpleasant and awkward. 

Anyways...needless to say that my career as a mythical cartoon hasn't worked out just yet. Neither has my career as a backing singer, zookeeper or musician, but I have achieved one goal. Despite my awkwardness and clumsyness and need to sing about everyone, someone has agreed to hire me! I am a waitress! If only my ten-year-old-self could see me now, as the middle-aged men leer at me over their teacups, the light bouncing of that bald patch that they've tried so hard to comb over, whilst I try and interpret whatever it is the chinese tourist is saying to me at the same time as being midly aware that the elderly canadian couple in the corner are slipping the gravey covered menu into their bag which they will later justify by saying 'its the same shape as my diary my dear' rather than the truth which is something along the lines of 'I wanted a free, if slightly disappointing, souvenir for my grandchildren'. Still. I've achieved something right? 

oh...and 'Hi' by the way...welcome to land of the Crazy's, if you're anything like me, you'll fit in well here...