Romney is a mean girl!!

so recently I discovered this on Tumblr:
'Let me tell you something about Mitt Romney, we were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even…whatever. So then in the 8th grade I started hanging out with the current President Obama who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to DC, and Mitt was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to listen to Obama speak, he’d be like “Why didn’t you support my idea?” And I’d be like “Why are you so ignorant to America’s needs?” So then for my birthday party, which was an all-Democrats pool party, I was like “Mitt, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re a Republican.” I mean I couldn’t have a Republican at my party, there were going to be Democrats there with their human rights. I mean right? He was a REPUBLICAN! So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so ridiculous. And then he dropped out of politics because no one would talk to him, and came back in the fall for the presidential election, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s trying to make airplane windows roll down'

This inspired me and my friends to do more meangirl quotes, so if you ever wondered what the script of Mean Girls would sound like as an American Election this is for you...(as a slight disclaimor I would like to state that I am not quoting Mitt Romney, President Obama or any other names mentioned here, this was literally a case of me and my friends having a laugh after watching mean girls too many times!)

-          I want my human rights back!!

-          raise your hand if you've been personally victimised by Mitt Romney...

-          I didn't know why Janice hated Romney, he was such a good... SLUT!

-          Mitt Romney " the Human right does not exist!"

-          You smell like a baby republican

-          That's what he does. He's a country ruiner. He ruins countries"

-          "4 for you Obama you go Obama, Do we have a Hilary here? Hilary Clinton one for you there you go. And none for Mitt Romney bye."

-          "4 for you rich people, you go rich people. Do we have an upper middle class here? Oh here you go middle class one for you. And none for human rights bye"

-          Why should Romney get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about Romney? Hm? Obama is just as cute as Romney. Obama is just as smart as Romney. People totally like Obama just as much as they like Romney. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's not what America is about. We should totally just stop Romney!

-          Romney: "omg stop trying to make gay rights happen Obama, they're never gonna happen"

-          Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're a Republican Mormon freak that's a less hot version of me!”

-          I can't go to America, I'm on a Human Rights diet. GOD Obama you're so stupid!

-          "Don't vote republican. Or you will lose rights. And die."

-          My breasts can always tell when we have no humans rights.

-          I saw Mitt Romney talking about things he is ignorant about, so I started talking about things I am ignorant about

-          You can't be a Republican! It's social suicide!"

-          "This is Romney. He's almost too rich to function"

-          Romney: "And on the third day, God created money so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals

-          I know it may look like I'd become a Republican, but that's only because I was acting like a Republican.

-          Romney says everyone hates you because you're such a slut.

-          ‘nice rights Obama what they made out of?’ ‘ Your mums chest hair!’

-          Where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial because you got everybody there. You got your Republican Freshmen, ROTC Guys, Republican Preps, Republican Jocks, Asian Republic Nerds, Cool Republic Asians, Varsity Republic Jocks, Unfriendly Black Republican Hotties, Republicans Who Eat Their Feelings, Republicans Who Don't Eat Anything, Desperate Republicns, Burnouts, Sexually Active Republican Geeks, The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet, and The Worst. Beware of The Republicans.

-          *grabs my breast* There's a 30% chance the Republicans are losing

-          on Wednesdays  we wear this

-           

-          there’s a 47 percent chance that Romney will work for you

-          Why do you wear your hair like that? You hair looks so sexy pushed back. Obama, will you please tell Romney his hair looks sexy pushed back?

-          Rick Santorum: He thinks she's gonna have a Republican party and not invite me? Who does he think he is? I, like, was his vice-president, you know what I mean?

-         And evil takes a human form in Mitt Romney. Don't be fooled, because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing, slut-faced ho-bag. But in reality, he is so much more than that.

-          One time, Obama punched me in the face, it was awesome

-          Yo, yo, yo! All you sucka MCs ain't got nothin' on me. From my grades to my lines, you can't touch Romney. I'm a Republican, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard. I'm like James Bond the Third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred. I'm Mitt Romney. The R is silent when I sneak in your door. And make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me, 'cause the next time you see her she'll be like, "Ooh! ROMNEYYYYYYY!"

-          Michelle Obama: He is one of the dumbest men you will ever meet. Obama sat next to him in the White House last year. Barack Obama: He asked me how to spell "rights"

Twitter Nazism and other plagues of humanity

 So I was wasting my life on twitter as any stereotypical teenager does, and I came across this. 
https://twitter.com/TheFunnyRacist

     At first I thought, rather optimistically it has to be said - this is the internet after all - that this page was dedicated to making fun of racists. But no, it's your stereotypical racist jokes, tired and overused from years of prejudice and ignorance.
     Now I know some people, will justify this by some feeble mumbling of 'freedom of speech' and 'people take things to seriously'. Sure, making jokes about the slave trade under the pseudonym of 'the funny racist' is nothing to take seriously. People haven't marched and died to protect the rights of those from other cultures. No, honestly it's fine, you be a prejudiced, ignorant waste of space (you may as well join the Romney presidential campaign while you're at it).
     For some reason, within the culture of the white middle class in Britain, it is acceptable to make 'jokes' about certain races. For example, it is not ok to make jokes about black people or the Irish or muslims, but it is fine to impersonate a chinese person, or make jokes about the japenese - and if you make a joke about a woman and a kitchen then well you are just plain hilarious. Fifty bigoted humour points to you! - Also, as a side note, making sexist jokes isn't attractive or flirting. I don't understand why women are supposed to find so-called jokes hilarious, when they are essentially based on hundreds of years of oppression that we are still trying to free ourselves from. Laugh at the joke, even pretend to laugh at the joke, and you are back in that chastity-belt again, forever doing laundry.
      And for the same reason I hate people critiscing religion for their involvement in wars (ever considered the possibility that the war on terror is as a result of hatred for the west after we invaded them for oil and introduced a facist regime into their society, not because a couple of priests got together and ordered some guns off Ebay?!), and people justifying homophobia by saying its unnatural (the iPhone you use to spread your ignorant medieval ideas is also unnatural but I don't see u hating on that). The worst thing about this hate is it isn't ignorance, not in the community I live in. It's an active choice, you choose to behave that way, to vote for that person, to tweet racial prejudices, to adopt a personality that contradicts itself - whilst you crave the need for free speech to promote your ignorant views, you have no interest in the equality that is supposed to come hand in hand with liberal democracy. Choose differently. Think.

   

What I Call Cat Stories

We've all been there, that friend with the 'oh so funny' cat story. That super original one where it jumped up and gave you a fright, hid in your wardrobe or ate your dinner...I hate cat stories.
   
     So recently I was told the best cat story by my sister. I know what you're thinking, and yes cat stories tend to be the least funny tails (geddit?! my jokes are about as funny as your pet stories!) ever told. But I'm still gonna tell it, and lets face it you're still gonna read it.

So the story begins in a place called Australia (you may have heard of it), and a family had a cat. The cat's name was 'F**k Off Cat' - no I am not making this up - and a very apt name it was too as that was the phrase the cat heard most often. Unfortunatly for the cat (which in the name of being PG will now be reffered to as Effy), something was wrong with it and it had to got to the vet.
So the vet didn't live very far away, and as the owner didn't have a proper cat-carrier for Effy, they did what any good GirlGuide would do and improvised. So, as if in a disney film, they popped the cat in a old cardboard box and selotaped it up and punched airholes in the lid (although not in that order as a heartattack would have significantly shortened the life of the cat and therefore the length of this story) and strapped it in the front seat of the car. All was going well, until they reached the final roundabout before the vets. Lets face it, cats weren't made for travelling and by now if Effy had words s/he would probobly have been shouting her namesake repeatedly. So the cat had been struggling and meowing and clawing and pushing against the top of the box (sealed only by the thin masking tape holding it together). You can guess what happened next. The owner was actually turning onto said roundabout when the cat broke free of the box and decided to prowl up and down the dashboard. I'm sure at this point again, the namesake seemed appropriate. To the other drivers though, seeing a cat at the windscreen must have been a fairly alarming sight.  Not to mention the tail in face must have been considerably vision-imparing to the owner.
     For those of you who are worried: As far as I am aware the cat and owner made it to the vets unscathed (although probobly fairly shaken). I am also fairly sure this story has been told more times than that one about that guy called 'Jesus' who was like born in a barn. Personally I prefer this story anyways...more believable...