Romney is a mean girl!!

so recently I discovered this on Tumblr:
'Let me tell you something about Mitt Romney, we were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even…whatever. So then in the 8th grade I started hanging out with the current President Obama who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to DC, and Mitt was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to listen to Obama speak, he’d be like “Why didn’t you support my idea?” And I’d be like “Why are you so ignorant to America’s needs?” So then for my birthday party, which was an all-Democrats pool party, I was like “Mitt, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re a Republican.” I mean I couldn’t have a Republican at my party, there were going to be Democrats there with their human rights. I mean right? He was a REPUBLICAN! So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so ridiculous. And then he dropped out of politics because no one would talk to him, and came back in the fall for the presidential election, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s trying to make airplane windows roll down'

This inspired me and my friends to do more meangirl quotes, so if you ever wondered what the script of Mean Girls would sound like as an American Election this is for you...(as a slight disclaimor I would like to state that I am not quoting Mitt Romney, President Obama or any other names mentioned here, this was literally a case of me and my friends having a laugh after watching mean girls too many times!)

-          I want my human rights back!!

-          raise your hand if you've been personally victimised by Mitt Romney...

-          I didn't know why Janice hated Romney, he was such a good... SLUT!

-          Mitt Romney " the Human right does not exist!"

-          You smell like a baby republican

-          That's what he does. He's a country ruiner. He ruins countries"

-          "4 for you Obama you go Obama, Do we have a Hilary here? Hilary Clinton one for you there you go. And none for Mitt Romney bye."

-          "4 for you rich people, you go rich people. Do we have an upper middle class here? Oh here you go middle class one for you. And none for human rights bye"

-          Why should Romney get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about Romney? Hm? Obama is just as cute as Romney. Obama is just as smart as Romney. People totally like Obama just as much as they like Romney. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's not what America is about. We should totally just stop Romney!

-          Romney: "omg stop trying to make gay rights happen Obama, they're never gonna happen"

-          Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're a Republican Mormon freak that's a less hot version of me!”

-          I can't go to America, I'm on a Human Rights diet. GOD Obama you're so stupid!

-          "Don't vote republican. Or you will lose rights. And die."

-          My breasts can always tell when we have no humans rights.

-          I saw Mitt Romney talking about things he is ignorant about, so I started talking about things I am ignorant about

-          You can't be a Republican! It's social suicide!"

-          "This is Romney. He's almost too rich to function"

-          Romney: "And on the third day, God created money so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals

-          I know it may look like I'd become a Republican, but that's only because I was acting like a Republican.

-          Romney says everyone hates you because you're such a slut.

-          ‘nice rights Obama what they made out of?’ ‘ Your mums chest hair!’

-          Where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial because you got everybody there. You got your Republican Freshmen, ROTC Guys, Republican Preps, Republican Jocks, Asian Republic Nerds, Cool Republic Asians, Varsity Republic Jocks, Unfriendly Black Republican Hotties, Republicans Who Eat Their Feelings, Republicans Who Don't Eat Anything, Desperate Republicns, Burnouts, Sexually Active Republican Geeks, The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet, and The Worst. Beware of The Republicans.

-          *grabs my breast* There's a 30% chance the Republicans are losing

-          on Wednesdays  we wear this

-           

-          there’s a 47 percent chance that Romney will work for you

-          Why do you wear your hair like that? You hair looks so sexy pushed back. Obama, will you please tell Romney his hair looks sexy pushed back?

-          Rick Santorum: He thinks she's gonna have a Republican party and not invite me? Who does he think he is? I, like, was his vice-president, you know what I mean?

-         And evil takes a human form in Mitt Romney. Don't be fooled, because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing, slut-faced ho-bag. But in reality, he is so much more than that.

-          One time, Obama punched me in the face, it was awesome

-          Yo, yo, yo! All you sucka MCs ain't got nothin' on me. From my grades to my lines, you can't touch Romney. I'm a Republican, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard. I'm like James Bond the Third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred. I'm Mitt Romney. The R is silent when I sneak in your door. And make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me, 'cause the next time you see her she'll be like, "Ooh! ROMNEYYYYYYY!"

-          Michelle Obama: He is one of the dumbest men you will ever meet. Obama sat next to him in the White House last year. Barack Obama: He asked me how to spell "rights"

Twitter Nazism and other plagues of humanity

 So I was wasting my life on twitter as any stereotypical teenager does, and I came across this. 
https://twitter.com/TheFunnyRacist

     At first I thought, rather optimistically it has to be said - this is the internet after all - that this page was dedicated to making fun of racists. But no, it's your stereotypical racist jokes, tired and overused from years of prejudice and ignorance.
     Now I know some people, will justify this by some feeble mumbling of 'freedom of speech' and 'people take things to seriously'. Sure, making jokes about the slave trade under the pseudonym of 'the funny racist' is nothing to take seriously. People haven't marched and died to protect the rights of those from other cultures. No, honestly it's fine, you be a prejudiced, ignorant waste of space (you may as well join the Romney presidential campaign while you're at it).
     For some reason, within the culture of the white middle class in Britain, it is acceptable to make 'jokes' about certain races. For example, it is not ok to make jokes about black people or the Irish or muslims, but it is fine to impersonate a chinese person, or make jokes about the japenese - and if you make a joke about a woman and a kitchen then well you are just plain hilarious. Fifty bigoted humour points to you! - Also, as a side note, making sexist jokes isn't attractive or flirting. I don't understand why women are supposed to find so-called jokes hilarious, when they are essentially based on hundreds of years of oppression that we are still trying to free ourselves from. Laugh at the joke, even pretend to laugh at the joke, and you are back in that chastity-belt again, forever doing laundry.
      And for the same reason I hate people critiscing religion for their involvement in wars (ever considered the possibility that the war on terror is as a result of hatred for the west after we invaded them for oil and introduced a facist regime into their society, not because a couple of priests got together and ordered some guns off Ebay?!), and people justifying homophobia by saying its unnatural (the iPhone you use to spread your ignorant medieval ideas is also unnatural but I don't see u hating on that). The worst thing about this hate is it isn't ignorance, not in the community I live in. It's an active choice, you choose to behave that way, to vote for that person, to tweet racial prejudices, to adopt a personality that contradicts itself - whilst you crave the need for free speech to promote your ignorant views, you have no interest in the equality that is supposed to come hand in hand with liberal democracy. Choose differently. Think.

   

What I Call Cat Stories

We've all been there, that friend with the 'oh so funny' cat story. That super original one where it jumped up and gave you a fright, hid in your wardrobe or ate your dinner...I hate cat stories.
   
     So recently I was told the best cat story by my sister. I know what you're thinking, and yes cat stories tend to be the least funny tails (geddit?! my jokes are about as funny as your pet stories!) ever told. But I'm still gonna tell it, and lets face it you're still gonna read it.

So the story begins in a place called Australia (you may have heard of it), and a family had a cat. The cat's name was 'F**k Off Cat' - no I am not making this up - and a very apt name it was too as that was the phrase the cat heard most often. Unfortunatly for the cat (which in the name of being PG will now be reffered to as Effy), something was wrong with it and it had to got to the vet.
So the vet didn't live very far away, and as the owner didn't have a proper cat-carrier for Effy, they did what any good GirlGuide would do and improvised. So, as if in a disney film, they popped the cat in a old cardboard box and selotaped it up and punched airholes in the lid (although not in that order as a heartattack would have significantly shortened the life of the cat and therefore the length of this story) and strapped it in the front seat of the car. All was going well, until they reached the final roundabout before the vets. Lets face it, cats weren't made for travelling and by now if Effy had words s/he would probobly have been shouting her namesake repeatedly. So the cat had been struggling and meowing and clawing and pushing against the top of the box (sealed only by the thin masking tape holding it together). You can guess what happened next. The owner was actually turning onto said roundabout when the cat broke free of the box and decided to prowl up and down the dashboard. I'm sure at this point again, the namesake seemed appropriate. To the other drivers though, seeing a cat at the windscreen must have been a fairly alarming sight.  Not to mention the tail in face must have been considerably vision-imparing to the owner.
     For those of you who are worried: As far as I am aware the cat and owner made it to the vets unscathed (although probobly fairly shaken). I am also fairly sure this story has been told more times than that one about that guy called 'Jesus' who was like born in a barn. Personally I prefer this story anyways...more believable...

Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey and other British Concepts

 It's a beautiful English Autumn day. I bet you pictured this

Wrong.

Welcome to England, notice on the left, the puddle from the torrential rain and on the right the gap in your hand where your umbrella should be. So it's raining, I have a cold, my tea addiction is waving wildly out of control (I have gone cold turkey the past two days in an attempt to consume drinks that don't dehydrate me - coincidentally what is the point of drinks that do that?! Is it like when they put MSG in food to make it morish?!) and there is a comfy sofa and a packet of Jaffa cakes waiting for me.

So in an attempt to keep the stereotype going I duly tune into Dave and watch some Doctor Who reruns. And I start feeling this wierd feeling... its like sadness but deeper...oh I remember... it's called disappointment.

Not with the rerun episode on Dave. There is nothing I love more than watching David Tennant dart a 'foreign planet' (a Welsh quarry) or Bad Wolf Bay in Denmark (otherwise known as Southerndown, a sandy beach in south Wales - see a pattern?). The trouble lies with the new episodes. I realise Alex Day has started a trend, almost as strong as the Holister fad, to hate on Doctor Who, so lets clear this up. There are clear Reasons why Doctor Who now sucks (apart from I don't see Tenants pretty face grin as he whips out his sonic screwdriver - not a euphenism!).

1.  I'd like to introduce you to this new species of alien. They're called 'women' and they  exist primarily as sex objects. Lets not lie, Doctor Who has always had a problem with this. The series is based around an almost omnicipent male who saves the universe each week with a female 'assistant'. None of the female assistants have EVER existed in their own right without a male counterpart or an undying love for the Doctor (and before you shout Donna in a triumphant-arguement-winning voice, let me remind you, not only did she appear in a wedding dress, but she had to be saved from a man plotting to rule the world with a MotherSpider whose only concern was the welfare of her children). The other counter-arguement to this, is 'look at Captain Jack', but seriously, don't even get me started on the warped way TV presents homosexuality. However the Damsel-in-Distress, counterpart-to-man, obsessive-mother stereotype is still favourable to how women have been portrayed in the last two series. Amy appears as a kissogram (a PG name for what is commonly known as a prostitute), and through the whole of the fifth series is portrayed as a girl who is liked and known for her sexual tendencies. She makes out with the Doctor on her wedding night, who has to restrain her sexual advances, and doesn't wear a single pair of trousers for the entire series. This, as a one-off character would be fine, if it weren't for two things; the way she changes when she becomes a mother and the fact that all other female characters in the past two series have behaved the exact same way. Basically, be a slut till you become a mother. That's all you're there for girls!

2. missing. One storyline... Jeez an unexpected pregnancy between two characters of a love triangle which results in an extremely painful and unconventional birth, where the daughter marries the third wheel of said triangle. Sound familiar? I don't know if any of you have heard of Twilight...I was under the impression it was fairly well known. Other ideas include: Lets bring the parent along - we haven't done that before (*cough* Rose *cough*), Oh well, if we run out of ideas we could always do a Moffat and kill everyone off and bring them back to life through either love or memories, and my personal favourate lets split the series in half while we think of new ideas.That always goes down a treat. Totally original. 

3 Monsters? No. Ok. WHO needs them anyway (see what I did there?!) um so, so far in this series we have had no new monsters. None. Unless you count a robot cowboy. Or what was essentially a big-businessman trying to sell dinosaurs for a living (it's a common profession, in this big bad capitalist world its all we have to sell except McDonalds and our souls...).I realise it's been a short series. I realise that the Daleks and the Weeping Angels are great, but as far as creativity goes...well...blame it on the Silence...maybe they took your ideas with your memories.

4 put away the tea! Burgers make more money! Don't get me wrong I am glad it's doing so well in the States, honestly I am, but this whole, we-have-loads-of-money-so-lets-go-on-holiday-to-the-states-and-make-it-so-cinematic-you-may-as-well-sell-out-and-do-the-whole-3D-thing, really isn't working for me. Does no-one else miss the days where it was set in a little Welsh quarry? Or that one corridor at the BBC they used over and over again with different lighting to try and imply that it was actually a billion different places around the universe? In those days Doctor Who had to have witty dialogue and sturdy storyline and three-dimensional characters, because if it didn't it was just some little known English actors standing in a big hole in the Welsh rain watching little dustbins with whisks and plungers stuck to them shout 'EXTERMINATE'. So to summarise, glad the BBC in general are financially so solid, but maybe spend a little less time exchanging money across bank accounts and working out the dollar conversion rates and a little more time thinking up plots? It's only a suggestion. You're only supposed to be writers anyway. 

Rant Over. Back to Mr Tennant, and the Cybermen marching down Cardiff highstreet...

For A Friend

So when I was a few years younger than I currently I am now, I used to write poems. Cool I know right? In no way at all pretencious! You can tell I was in with the popular crowd. Anyways, one of my poems has survived my adolescence and only makes me want to climb in a hole for the rest of my life (not die in it like the rest of them do). So anyways, I wrote this for a friend. It's as cheesy as the title is, but me and my hormones were proud of it at the time.

Someday when we're young again.

lets go run through the woods. And

get lost in the comfort of where

we've always been but never knew.

Lets get confused by pathways identical. And

trees original

but so similar to the new.

When we reach that divided path,

seperated by rich green undergrowth,

where I clawed my way onto the higher path

alone on chalk and rock -

but with your words from behind the bushes,

adjacent to me

on the flat damp mud.

We should choose differently and choose a path

together. For we,

now old, know the winding way they lead.

But we won't.

Your voice will still walk with me, 

Under the canopy of branches,

Until one day...

We will trip over gnarled roots, awkward silences and mixed messages

Into a field of sun.

Lost together

Always.

thoughts from a slightly squiffy bathtub

     Admit it. We all have that friend who has one to many and spends the rest of the evening with their head over a bucket/toilet/bowl/bathtub or shoe - if you're Katy Perry. Thankfully, I am not that friend. My physical inability to be sick is probobly (medically speaking) some cause for concern, but as far as getting pissed is concerned, very useful.
     I am, however, that friend who looks after the puker, mostly because as quoted from the other night 'drunks look after their own' (shortly after this was a long monologue where I expressed my undying love for my friend and tried to hug her, whilst she wretched and tried not to splatter me).
     So anyways, whilst I was sitting in the bathtub, with one hand holding my friends hair back, (the other hand trapped under my own legs which I apparently couldn't work out how to untangle) I began to think. Unfortunatly I can't remember exactly what it was I was thinking, because apparently Vodka has the memory-erasing ability of the matrix, but I do remember thinking how wierd it was that we were now 'those girls'. 'Those girls' that got drunk and threw up, 'those girls' who rolled around giggling after one too many drinks, 'those girls' I swore I would never be.
     I had another experience, similar to this recently, where I was one of 'those teenagers'. 'Those teenagers' that were lolling about in a kids playpark in the early evening, some of them slightly drunk, some of them just crazy - 'those teenagers' that your mummy told you not to go near. The same teenagers you looked at and secretly judged at the age of 12, and thought (and slightly hoped) they would never amount to anything.
     And I know what you're all thinking. Is there a point to this misguided trip down a somewhat short memory lane or is this just the musings of a post-drunk teenager, procrastinating on the offchance that the coursework and exams will sit themselves? I don't know. I guess the point (if there is one) is that change, like shit, happens. Also, don't get intoxicated and then locked in a bathroom with another intoxicated girl-friend. Awful things happen....

some choice extracts

As a follow up to my previous blogs, and as a result of the research I have been doing for the godawful personal statement, I came across these (musical personal statements by other people). Here are my favourite extracts - enjoy!

 - For as long as I can remember I have had a very deep passion for Musical Theatre. A passion that was accompanied by a burning ambition to succeed, 

- even as a small child that ambition was enough to make any sacrifices that were necessary to ensure I would always perform at my best, and since I was about ten years old, small things such as not eating chocolate before a performance, wearing a distasteful, but very warm coat and scarf to prevent catching a cold, and just always taking care of my body and my voice, even if it does mean missing that party that “everyone is going to” and instead holding my head over a bowl of hot water, and inhaling the steam for fifteen minutes! No sacrifice has or will ever be too much.. 

- Like sparkling prisms, contemporary artistic expressions have been significantly arising in multifaceted forms.

- The earliest musical memory I have is singing along to ‘Puff The Magic Dragon’ and crying my heart out..


Makes me feel soooo much better about mine!