Wrong.
Welcome to England, notice on the left, the puddle from the torrential rain and on the right the gap in your hand where your umbrella should be. So it's raining, I have a cold, my tea addiction is waving wildly out of control (I have gone cold turkey the past two days in an attempt to consume drinks that don't dehydrate me - coincidentally what is the point of drinks that do that?! Is it like when they put MSG in food to make it morish?!) and there is a comfy sofa and a packet of Jaffa cakes waiting for me.
So in an attempt to keep the stereotype going I duly tune into Dave and watch some Doctor Who reruns. And I start feeling this wierd feeling... its like sadness but deeper...oh I remember... it's called disappointment.
Not with the rerun episode on Dave. There is nothing I love more than watching David Tennant dart a 'foreign planet' (a Welsh quarry) or Bad Wolf Bay in Denmark (otherwise known as Southerndown, a sandy beach in south Wales - see a pattern?). The trouble lies with the new episodes. I realise Alex Day has started a trend, almost as strong as the Holister fad, to hate on Doctor Who, so lets clear this up. There are clear Reasons why Doctor Who now sucks (apart from I don't see Tenants pretty face grin as he whips out his sonic screwdriver - not a euphenism!).
1. I'd like to introduce you to this new species of alien. They're called 'women' and they exist primarily as sex objects. Lets not lie, Doctor Who has always had a problem with this. The series is based around an almost omnicipent male who saves the universe each week with a female 'assistant'. None of the female assistants have EVER existed in their own right without a male counterpart or an undying love for the Doctor (and before you shout Donna in a triumphant-arguement-winning voice, let me remind you, not only did she appear in a wedding dress, but she had to be saved from a man plotting to rule the world with a MotherSpider whose only concern was the welfare of her children). The other counter-arguement to this, is 'look at Captain Jack', but seriously, don't even get me started on the warped way TV presents homosexuality. However the Damsel-in-Distress, counterpart-to-man, obsessive-mother stereotype is still favourable to how women have been portrayed in the last two series. Amy appears as a kissogram (a PG name for what is commonly known as a prostitute), and through the whole of the fifth series is portrayed as a girl who is liked and known for her sexual tendencies. She makes out with the Doctor on her wedding night, who has to restrain her sexual advances, and doesn't wear a single pair of trousers for the entire series. This, as a one-off character would be fine, if it weren't for two things; the way she changes when she becomes a mother and the fact that all other female characters in the past two series have behaved the exact same way. Basically, be a slut till you become a mother. That's all you're there for girls!
2. missing. One storyline... Jeez an unexpected pregnancy between two characters of a love triangle which results in an extremely painful and unconventional birth, where the daughter marries the third wheel of said triangle. Sound familiar? I don't know if any of you have heard of Twilight...I was under the impression it was fairly well known. Other ideas include: Lets bring the parent along - we haven't done that before (*cough* Rose *cough*), Oh well, if we run out of ideas we could always do a Moffat and kill everyone off and bring them back to life through either love or memories, and my personal favourate lets split the series in half while we think of new ideas.That always goes down a treat. Totally original.
3 Monsters? No. Ok. WHO needs them anyway (see what I did there?!) um so, so far in this series we have had no new monsters. None. Unless you count a robot cowboy. Or what was essentially a big-businessman trying to sell dinosaurs for a living (it's a common profession, in this big bad capitalist world its all we have to sell except McDonalds and our souls...).I realise it's been a short series. I realise that the Daleks and the Weeping Angels are great, but as far as creativity goes...well...blame it on the Silence...maybe they took your ideas with your memories.
4 put away the tea! Burgers make more money! Don't get me wrong I am glad it's doing so well in the States, honestly I am, but this whole, we-have-loads-of-money-so-lets-go-on-holiday-to-the-states-and-make-it-so-cinematic-you-may-as-well-sell-out-and-do-the-whole-3D-thing, really isn't working for me. Does no-one else miss the days where it was set in a little Welsh quarry? Or that one corridor at the BBC they used over and over again with different lighting to try and imply that it was actually a billion different places around the universe? In those days Doctor Who had to have witty dialogue and sturdy storyline and three-dimensional characters, because if it didn't it was just some little known English actors standing in a big hole in the Welsh rain watching little dustbins with whisks and plungers stuck to them shout 'EXTERMINATE'. So to summarise, glad the BBC in general are financially so solid, but maybe spend a little less time exchanging money across bank accounts and working out the dollar conversion rates and a little more time thinking up plots? It's only a suggestion. You're only supposed to be writers anyway.
Rant Over. Back to Mr Tennant, and the Cybermen marching down Cardiff highstreet...
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